July 28, 2008
I write this during a lonely time in my life. I think most of my life has always felt lonely to me...some times are more excruciating than others. Currently, I have one person I can count as a friend and one husband I can also say is my friend. That's it. Now - it is less than what some people have, at the same time, it is also more than what others have. I am choosing to see it as what is. It is. It is what I 'have'. There are times when it is enough. There are times when it is not. Mostly I feel it isn't enough for me, but I accept this feeling and know I cannot waste my time, life, energy, or what I do have on what I don't. I've been placed here, in this situation - trapped between an intense desire for a clan of wildly wonderful women and the lack of it - for a reason. Perhaps I am to learn self-reliance or maybe The Universe just finds it funny to watch my struggle with this. Whatever - I'm here, I'm still breathing - so, I'll keep going without my pack, hoping one day to find them; but knowing even if I don't, I can still howl. And howl I will.
I wrote that 2 years ago, but the sentiment had been inside for many years before. I feel like this time in my life is a doorway to greatness. I have been traveling toward this moment of NOW consciously for years, making choices and decisions in order to arrive in this Here. I've left places, people, situations that were unhealthy for me - I've done what I felt was asked of me to do even though it was scary. During the journey, this was my rock.
"There are people waiting for me out there, although they don't yet know me & I don't know them, but I am sure I can be useful & the danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort." Veronika decides to die by Paulo CoehlI had hope that they were out there, some~where and that by the hand of Our Great Source, I would find them. I would keep trying until I did. My one friend said, "They're not out there. I looked - I didn't find any." I would always say, "You found me. We found each other. If there's you and me....there are others. They're just hard to find because they're sitting at home like us saying, "I know they're out there, I just don't know where!"
There were times of trying and feeling disappointed. There were times of feeling overwhelmingly sad about it. There were times of being so very very pissed off about it and just plain old sick of wanting something I didn't have and/or wasn't getting. Then there was finally a time of "Ya know what....it's not here and I'm moving on. I'm gonna do my thing. Find the positive in the situation. Hmmmm, not having anyone around means I have more time to make art and hang out with me!" I spent more time in the accepting of the NOW, than I did in the other junk. My time was better spent. I felt better. It opened a door.
I just want you to know: If what I experienced is something you dream of - KEEP THE FAITH, IT CAN HAPPEN - I KNOW BECAUSE IT HAPPENED TO ME.
Read what my drum-a-lishous sistas said.
Our Beauty~full Gypsy Leader who isn't above us, she just happens to know more about drumming and dancing - I admire my new sista's transparency. If she hadn't willingly shared her inside conversation before we began, I would have thought she was completely confident. We need to realize that the people we admire feel the same things we do, they go through the same battles, it may look different, but boiled down, it's the same. They don't get a pass on dealing with the critical voice, self-doubt, fear, embarrassment, or 'the what's the point jerk."
You are not alone in feeling these feelings. The difference is this: THEY DON'T ALLOW THOSE FEELINGS TO STOP THEM - They teach even though they're shy or nervous. They share even though they hear the voice of self-doubt telling them to be quiet. They paint even though they are afraid to be judged. They drum even if they're not a professional drum player. They dance even if they have no idea what they're doing. And if they're truly wise, they share all that with the rest of us so we know - We are not alone and feelings shouldn't determine our success.
Our beautiful Gypsy Leader is the one who reminded us that INTENTION IS BLOCKED BY INHIBITION. Let us not allow inhibition to keep us from our intentions! Let us break free of the chains in our own minds and fly higher than we ever have before.
Make yourself a magick-full day!