She could have been a Star
if you two hadn't messed her up so bad
Here's the thing -
I will continue to dig this junk up as long as I see value in it
lonely lonely lonely
she was starving
no wonder she turned into a sugar fiend
SHE WAS TRYING TO FEED HERSELF DUMB DUMB
Why weren't you loving enough to see that??
all she wanted was some attention
how terrible of her!!
didn’t she know how wrong that was to do in that family?
See!! already an insight.......
I BELIEVE SHE TAUGHT ME THROUGH WHAT SHE SAID ABOUT HER TO NOT DRAW ATTENTION TO MYSELF
AT ALL
YOU AREN’T TO CELEBRATE YOURSELF
THAT’S BRAGGING.
(which is wrong - the statement, not the bragging)
she was just grateful and happy to be alive
her spirit was BEAUTIFUL!
!
Until you crushed it out of her
because secretly YOU WANTED ATTENTION THAT YOU NEVER GOT FROM YOUR PARENTS
that makes me sad for her
and you,
I guess
only you were old enough to know better.
Good going.
but anyways, it’s not bragging to me
it’s celebrating and being grateful for what I have publically
some people THINK that that’s the same thing as bragging
I plainly say
THEY'RE WRONG. :)
I want good, Great AmaaaaaZing stuff for you too!
I’m sure you already have some,
what is it?
It’s YOUR job to celebrate and be grateful for it publically.
It’s YOUR JOB to Share it with others
Happiness can be infectious if you let it be
or you could just continue to hide it away under a bush
or an addiction
my mother NEVER came into my room and hung out with me
like I see other mothers do on TV
(is TV at all based in reality?)
I hung out with my kid as much as I knew how to do
I’m sure she did the same
but I’m pleased to be able to report
I was a better mother than I had
that’s as it should be
and I hope mine is a better mother than I was
I really do
that means I did my job
and I guess my mother did her job
I remember the time, my room was in complete disarray
half being painted
half not done
(btw, to my knowledge.....it never got finished)
(OH......so we’re not The ONLY ONES who leave things half finished or INCOMPLETE......IMPERFECT......WRONG. Interesting.....I guess I should have thrown it out the back door all over the backyard so you had to clean it up......Idiot)
She was making a doll I was supposed to be making as part of school
she was trying to help me I’m sure
but her job wasn't to DO IT FOR ME
it was her job to TEACH ME HOW TO DO IT
doing it "Perfectly" was probably more important though
she was watching a movie while working
instead of interacting lovingly with me
too bad for her - SHE missed out on my childhood
not me
it got to the point where it was nasty
Nasty
you were a nasty nasty friend to me
what does the word nasty Mean to you?
To me it Means.....HORRIDLY MEAN.
Weird......what context of mean do you think I mean?
To me
here
Mean means
hurtful behavior directed at me
but honestly, I realize,
it’s directed at You
because You don’t even see Me
nor are you aware of Me
I know, because I know Me
and the Me you're referring to, is actually You
THAT’S how directed at You all your behavior is.
When you secretly hate yourself
you noticeably 'hate' everyone around you.
sadly that's how it works
if you could stop hating yourself for one minute
you'd see
I am not your enemy
You are
And NOW ‘en Again
insightment anew
in reading it all over aloud
the way I would
if i was brave
It sounds like I’m speaking of one
when I was totally speaking of the other
the one who begot her
the In-between
between she
and SHE
it’s She.
But funny how you can mistake them for one another
when you generalize it all down
to what I experienced about Her life just by being beside her
WE CAN LEARN FROM OTHERS
WE DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TO LIVE IT
we can observe from a distance
the struggles
and the Pain
of others
and learn from it.
And when I said Sugar
I meant Sugar
not some secret code for something worse
but later sugar became alcohol and drugs and men and I believe, POPULARITY - at a price of course
double price actually - cause she had to do something to get the Popularity
and the other one was constantly mad she was out doing stuff for other people and not her
See, They got her coming AND going!
and she doesn't even know it I'll bet.
The ONLY reason that I don’t HATE them 24/7/365
and I totally forgive them for anything I Think they did
or did Not do,
is because I believe in Contracts
and Learning Experiences
(incorporated)
and the learning I received by being constantly
Abandoned
or
Run Down
by them
or so utterly sad for them ALL because they didn't even know how sad they were because they couldn't deal with it that I thought the burden of it WOULD DESTROY ME
has gotten me here
and I still really really Like Here.
so I'll take it
destructive burdens and all.
just at this moment I hear a faint scratch on my left side
I turn and face a half dollar size spider
a foot, maybe a foot and a half away from my face
in my studio.
I scream.
I wonder how loud it was for the spider.
days away from this moment
it still creeps me out
but the thing is
that's the SECOND big spider I'd had a foot away from my face in less than 24 hours
I almost walked into the spider who decided to build its web right outside the front door the night before
I decide it's "Animal Speak" (Ted Andrews) time
which says spider is “Creativity and the Weaving of Fate”
I like it
my life is woven “of intricate and subtle fabric.”
Pretty.
Okay, okay - I admit it
They all subtly influence me now and me then
not then, Then
and again I ask
which then do You think I mean
see how complicated understanding someone else can be?
When we can’t use all of our faculties?
Most people are not using all of their faculties because truly, They're not even paying attention.
I could be pointing ahead for Then
and pointing behind for then.
THEN you’d know what I meant
unless you didn’t understand what I meant by Then, then or my hand gestures
THEN you might not have a clue what I’m talking about at all
which is fine
maybe you don’t speak English
or you don’t speak it the way I do
all it is is a difference between us which makes it harder for us to remember:
We are all Beings just trying to make it through The Journey we've been gifted.
it was never good enough
and it was never E-enough
that’s why I try to let it be good enough sometimes
when it sometimes isn’t
and I try to let it be E-enough sometimes
when it sometimes isn’t
that’s called:
A Relationship That Matters To You
all others are secondary and subject to anything
backstabbing
lying
cheating
stealing
cursing
not returning phone calls
really?
Yup - that's what I've experienced.
it ain't pretty.
is it unrealistic to want or expect someone who is your 'friend' to call you back?
I’d like to know
really
I operate under the belief that it’s RUDE to do that to your friend
I Had RUDE friends.
And I accepted that in them
and now I know
I
shouldn’t
have.
What kind of idiot wants RUDE friends?
Not this kind of idiot EVER again.
I deserve to be friends with friends who know how to be friends.
While I was feeding the cats lunch
I thought about what DeVon Franklin ("Produced by Faith") said to Oprah
"You are the star of your own movie."
and when I came back to my studio and back to "Animal Speak"
I read, “The spider found within the web reminds us that we are the center of our own world.”
WOW - that’s the same thought
so I got the lesson already
but I needed to KNOW I received it and ‘got’ it
understood it
and moved forward knowing that information
so now I did
and now I am
so......now what?
“The ancient mystery schools had one precept inscribed above their portals
“Know Thyself and Thou Shalt Know the Universe.”
I recognize the utter truth in that statement
“We are the keepers and the writers of our own destiny”
what kind of destiny do you want?
I want the kind of destiny that Appears to unfold before me, grander and grander than ever before, yet It’s all as I already know it should and will be....
I release all hold on what it looks like
I just want it to be For Me
and if it’s For Me
than it will Be Grand!
Because anything that’s built with me and all my gifts in mind, will fit me perfectly
how could it not?
It’s molded against me
and a perfect fit is the best that we can ask for.
I need to remember that “through polarity and balance creativity is stimulated.”
That’s good to know
it’s good to do your dishes and eat and cook and clean in between creating Art!
There is more to life than Art.
“Weave your creative threads in the dark and then when the sun hits them, they will glisten with intricate beauty.”
Weave your dreams and imaginings into reality.
Write
Write
Write
it’s good for you.
Really really good for you
Spider teach me how to use the written language with power and creativity so that my words weave a web around those who would read them.
Make yourself cry??
About what?
What’s to cry about?
The past?
Sure,
but
that
was
then
and
this
is
now.
:) And for now, all I have is smiles.
I don't need that Phoney Baloney's advice.
Neither do you.
Spider teach me how to do it the way I should do it
the way that’s Me.
I like me.
Oh crap,
Am I bragging again?
~magick~
Meliss
Ps: I didn't kill the spider that was in my studio. Eventually I took it outside and then I accidentally brought it back in and then I trapped it under a cup and left it there until The Hubby came home and put it outside again. Aaaaahhhhh, sigh of relief. I respect spiders......just don't want 'em in my house. YUCK!
