The Constant Questioning of Me

Oh Man,
for those of you who question yourself almost constantly,
as one of those you's,
I share the following:
I owe myself a HUGE apology.
Most of us do.
but whether we ever give it......
well only something crazy like,
"only the horses that race against the relentless waves crashing upon crashing Know."
could be said about that.

still, i wonder,
Could it be found in a piece of bread and butter
at our favorite restaurant?
but you still don't care
and little me puts up with it
because some-one
some-where
told me to.
maybe it was some-many.
but honestly,
i don't even want to go there.

i'm terrified.
on a certain level.
many of us are.

Yet,
I am happy.
And Trusting Yet Again.
In the one who trust was built against.

so, i search in my journal for some of that gold I wanted to share with you.
and i come across these words:

I want to embrace
- Fully -
my Solitude.
i want to fall in love with it.
I want to kiss the scratch of my pen across the page.
i want to breathe in deeply,
Vision.
i want to see the Love of God.
i want to want to be alone when I am alone
& i want to want to be not alone when i am not alone.
it makes perfect sense.
it means that i want to be at peace in every moment of my created now.

and I now add,
I am.
I am.

and then back to flipping further pages....
i find what i wanted to say about this.

admiring how Life has folds that catch droplets of water in them.
how many drops can you count?
seeing how THEY ALL have a speck of Reflected Light inside them.
i can't find one that doesn't.
what do You think that says about All of Us?
we probably think something similar.
no matter how blurry that reflection becomes.....
it's
still
there
.

wanting to live like the big juicy drop of water in the front.....
because of it's God given size,
it is able to reflect more light.
:)

loving the fact that I have -
sticks,
balancing on top of bird-nests
resting on top of old candle jars
now full of moss.

If forced to describe at gunpoint what I've been up to,
I could honestly say,

I've been finding the most amazing worlds full of razor sharp pink monster teeth!!

I could also say,
nah, it's just a flower.

wondering what's in your heart?
hoping you know,
even if you don't tell me.

remembering if I want to be this juicy inside,
I have to practice actually being it
not just talking about it.

practicing being juicy inside.
and eating strawberries because that picture really made me crave them.
maybe that's part of it.....
eating juicy food makes us juicier??
makes perfect sense to me.
i wish i didn't have issues eating.
but i am not alone.
many of us have trouble with the 'simple task' of nourishing ourselves.
how can we expect to fulfill our dreams of nourishing others then??

So in wrapping this up,
I go back up to the beginning and say,
"What did all this have to do with questioning me????"

Exactly.

only now i realize it wasn't me who questioned me at all.....
it was Them,
it's that dam (can i say that?) peanut gallery again.
{aw, right in the dam!}
don't you peanuts have anything else to do?
go get eaten by the skunks.

Good day to you.

~magick~
Meliss

ps: some of this is a recording.

ps2: for more recordings check out: "Make your own kind of music" by Mama Cass