The Constant Questioning of Me

Oh Man,
for those of you who question yourself almost constantly,
as one of those you's,
I share the following:
I owe myself a HUGE apology.
Most of us do.
but whether we ever give it......
well only something crazy like,
"only the horses that race against the relentless waves crashing upon crashing Know."
could be said about that.

still, i wonder,
Could it be found in a piece of bread and butter
at our favorite restaurant?
but you still don't care
and little me puts up with it
because some-one
some-where
told me to.
maybe it was some-many.
but honestly,
i don't even want to go there.

i'm terrified.
on a certain level.
many of us are.

Yet,
I am happy.
And Trusting Yet Again.
In the one who trust was built against.

so, i search in my journal for some of that gold I wanted to share with you.
and i come across these words:

I want to embrace
- Fully -
my Solitude.
i want to fall in love with it.
I want to kiss the scratch of my pen across the page.
i want to breathe in deeply,
Vision.
i want to see the Love of God.
i want to want to be alone when I am alone
& i want to want to be not alone when i am not alone.
it makes perfect sense.
it means that i want to be at peace in every moment of my created now.

and I now add,
I am.
I am.

and then back to flipping further pages....
i find what i wanted to say about this.

admiring how Life has folds that catch droplets of water in them.
how many drops can you count?
seeing how THEY ALL have a speck of Reflected Light inside them.
i can't find one that doesn't.
what do You think that says about All of Us?
we probably think something similar.
no matter how blurry that reflection becomes.....
it's
still
there
.

wanting to live like the big juicy drop of water in the front.....
because of it's God given size,
it is able to reflect more light.
:)

loving the fact that I have -
sticks,
balancing on top of bird-nests
resting on top of old candle jars
now full of moss.

If forced to describe at gunpoint what I've been up to,
I could honestly say,

I've been finding the most amazing worlds full of razor sharp pink monster teeth!!

I could also say,
nah, it's just a flower.

wondering what's in your heart?
hoping you know,
even if you don't tell me.

remembering if I want to be this juicy inside,
I have to practice actually being it
not just talking about it.

practicing being juicy inside.
and eating strawberries because that picture really made me crave them.
maybe that's part of it.....
eating juicy food makes us juicier??
makes perfect sense to me.
i wish i didn't have issues eating.
but i am not alone.
many of us have trouble with the 'simple task' of nourishing ourselves.
how can we expect to fulfill our dreams of nourishing others then??

So in wrapping this up,
I go back up to the beginning and say,
"What did all this have to do with questioning me????"

Exactly.

only now i realize it wasn't me who questioned me at all.....
it was Them,
it's that dam (can i say that?) peanut gallery again.
{aw, right in the dam!}
don't you peanuts have anything else to do?
go get eaten by the skunks.

Good day to you.

~magick~
Meliss

ps: some of this is a recording.

ps2: for more recordings check out: "Make your own kind of music" by Mama Cass

Who's This Girl

She is:
ghostly.
some people said I'm dark.
that my art has a dark quality to it.
I get it.
I do like Halloween and scary stuff.
I am not offended.
I receive it as a compliment.
and then when I say all that to some other people,
they say, "Oh, I would NEVER want to be described as dark."
Huh.....
well, Good for you.
Better for me, now I can stay the unique soul I am.

She is:
In the middle,
bless-sed-ly balanced,
I reside mostly in the middle
where it's half-full & half-empty
because
that's where God resides.
God resides in the middle of us.
and I want to be wherever God is.
Does it make you uncomfortable to read me type God?
Why?
I think God IS - WHOEVER YOU WANT GOD TO BE.
I think God thinks that's Very Good.

She is:
feeling
shy
scared
unsure
stupid because I know I know what to do!
yet somehow i still don't.
How can that be?
can someone explain this phenomena to me?
I'm just not there yet.
or am i???
doesn't matter,
I'll just keep going regardless.

She is:
ALL HEART.
wanna know how?? I can prove it.
cause all she's heard about is how SENSITIVE she is.
SO, where does sensitivity live?
in the liver?
in the gall bladder???
the COLON??
NO, we know where we like to say sensitivity lives......
The HEART.
SOOOOOO, IF she's SOOOO SENSITIVE.....
that MUST MEAN.....
SHE's ALL HEART.

Ha! I make me happy.
:)
maybe I should have been a lawyer.

She is:
sometimes too concerned with what other people think
I write "I make me happy."
Then all i can feel is this uncomfortable feeling
then the audio for it plays,
"How dare She say, She makes herself HAPPY!!"
Have you ever heard someone say something like this about someone else?
I have.
it's ugly.
Then another, more recent recording played
"Is there something wrong with making our own selves happy?"
"Don't 'They' say that we are all responsible for making our own selves happy and we cannot and should not rely on anyone else to do so?"
see.....that's how it works......
They get you Coming AND GOING.
It's like taxes......
you gotta pay to earn money AND to spend it.
:)
let's not even go there

She is:
still moving toward whole'ness
since i found out
"Everything is moving toward wholeness." Rachel Naomi Remen
i can and have said, "People have destroyed parts of me with their careless behavior."
but I wonder,
is that truly true?
energy cannot be destroyed
only converted into another form.
How can I convert the destruction they slyly intended into Whole'ness?
"Simon" by Lifehouse

She is:
being Who She Is.
especially after she found out what that is through this conversation:
"You do your best BLOG - be yourself! That's the key.
But who is that?
The person who does everything I do - I have photos and journals to prove it."
My job is to live MY BEST DAY
to cut down the growth
to glean what's been reaped
and to share it
in case it:

interests
entertains
inspires
comforts
encourages
serves
or just makes someone go, "Hmmmmm....."

I do not always realize the value in that,
because I do not always realize the value in me,
because I was not taught to value me,
because others did not value me,
because they did not value themselves.
I still choose these kinds of people to be in relationship with,
because I still do not always realize the value in me.......
It's a "Sick Cycle Carousel" LifeHouse.
Shoot....been here before.

She is:
somehow still writing poems and having dreams about someone she thought she knew and loved
Twenty
Years
Ago
because I've found another layer of pain in her that needs to be healed:

in new thoughts of distant forests
all seemed glad past yearning
but then again,
they do run backwards
but never realize
& with her eyes certain spots know things
& there where they went cloven hoofs proved presents
& fresh-made nether mouthed vestiges quenched themselves upon the fresh meat of
Thee Maiden.
He blond
& promising
what he can never bring.
She believing.
So why not just dive back into the dream
where time was then
& he didn't really break my heart?
Because NOW is so much better.

and I know that I know that I know
I AM someone she never would have been without his betrayal to his own heart.
:)
He really lost out
cause I'm almost 40 and I still look amazing.
idiot.
:)

She is:
Woman Artist Who Blogs.
Not because I want to write a book.
I'm writing books constantly.....
see my retired journals section.....
those are books.
enter audio:
"I guess it depends on your definition of book."
Well, let's look it up Peanut Gallery!
I'm doing a lot of winning today, so I'm up for one more win.
...........
HA! told ya they were books. written words on paper bound. ::sticking out tongue::
idiot.
anyways,
I just want to blog.
I actually want to blog, so I'm going to.

She is:
Maker of Magick
who has determined again,
as I did in high school,
that,
I
want
a
Life
of
Quality.
but now I know one thing more that I want more of -
INTEGRITY
because I want to come from an unimpaired condition,
because I want to be undivided,
because I want to be WHOLE.
isn't it neat how it all circles back?

She is:
remembering to come back to the glow
to return to the flow.
dreamin'.
prayin'.
forgettin' that there's a difference.
Calling
Healing
IN
so that I can be accountable to me
for me.
because I finally, stupidly, just figured out
When I find out someone is undependable,
I STOP DEPENDING ON THEM.
Why I ever did anything different I just don't know.
I want to enact a new policy:
Stop Pursuing Pain.

She is:
A Woman of Fortunes.
A Force.
that means Cause of Change
Are you a Cause of Change?
You Are.
maybe you don't know it.
It means Active Power.
My Active Power is God.
What else is that Universal Spark?
You Know.
maybe you know it simply by another name.
Call it whatever you like
It does not care
JUST USE IT.
USE YOUR ACTIVE POWER.

She is:
Kira from Xanadu
Paulette from Grease 2 (and Stephanie)
Mabel from The Pirate Movie
Joan from Romancing the Stone
Kuki from I Dreamed of Africa
but, Ultimately -
Herself,
Thee Me of ME.

She Is:
A Magickal Meliss,
Thee One who creates all this.
She is regular old Melissa too,
Thee One who cleans the toilets.

:)

So, Who Are You?

~magick~
Meliss

and call it "Diving Back In"

I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to post
and haven't
I could go to my journal and count them, but I won't
if I do that, I probably will never post again
because something will always keep pulling me away from posting
is it simply because I want to ?
or is it because I don't want to?
i can't figure it out
so I won't bother
I'll just tell you in glimpses of time,
in usual Meliss fashion,
what i've been up to:

Finding Pirate sleeping in so many cute positions.
He is such a sweetheart.

starting ANOTHER journal because the other one is filled up.
asking God to rekindle me.

Gaining discipline by working out almost every day. and actually loving it.
and after reading this,
"When you begin to honor yourself and your life - You become disciplined." (Iyanla Vanzant - One day my soul just opened up)
wanting more and more discipline.....
because it means I am honoring myself and my life.


Watchin' tv with Hubby
or as he calls it - spending quality time with the tv while he's snoozing away
hey, it's him who's missin' the show he said he wanted to watch,
not me
i saw it

seeing things doubled,
suddenly


Laughin' at the things Hubby says cause i STILL find him amusing
dance for me puppet
it's wonderful to have someone dance for you because it makes them happy to make you happy
i'm so blessed

being happy about sad faces
because they are who they are
and i find beauty in them
because of it.


Finding cats sleeping together who don't normally sleep together.
experiencing things that don't normally happen and saying, "Come cuddle with me."
Those two aren't still laying there.
There's nothing like a winter weekend snowy day....
especially when you're prepared.....even if it happens when you're not expecting it.


Wanting to finish projects
but not finishing them
and saying
"I got time"
but then it snowed
before Halloween.

catchin' birds taking the same kind of naps I see the cats take
totally out of it.
look at this bird's dimple chin! isn't it cute?


the poor things flew so hard they needed to SLEEP!
I get it.
I've been doin' some nappin' myself
HIBERNATION.
but after a short time of it
this bird got back to what it was supposed to be doing
flying toward its destination
what's your destination?
do you know?
I recently discovered my destination.........
I recently found out where I want to go....
I recently decided to pursue.......

~Whole'ness~

now all I have to do is figure out what that means.

:)

under the milky way tonight - the church

don't take it all so seriously.....
i hope you're able to laugh today.....
because it's just really really fun
and you deserve it.

~magick~
Meliss

H A double L O W double E N spells Halloween

Realize all your dreams are about you.
Now, be the person of your dreams.

I am Sheherezade...
telling tales for my life.

~magick~
Meliss