Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas Miracles

It's still dark out
yet I am awake
not really wanting to
but getting out of bed

although frost covers the ground
i put on my bathing suit

i grab my towel, music
slip on my flip flops
open the door
and walk past the place where in December
the flowers are still blooming

i get into the pool
on a full moon morning
(not me, i already said i put on a bathing suit
not that anyone could really see me if i didn't)
and work-out

that's the kind of dedication
that results in bent metal baby
because i've become super hero strong

and when I make cookies for the neighbors
and the mixer tries to eat my arm
all the way up to my elbow,
i will be protected
and no harm will come to me
now, that's a Christmas Miracle
the mixer didn't do as well
(RIP old mixer)

And when i'm stuck artistically
gripped by ridiculous fears given to me by 'Them'
i'll just draw a scribble on the page
and find magickal Christmas villages awaiting me

and be filled with bravery
and i'll get into that La-boratory
and work

i will create skeletons
and then take those skeletons
and change them into Beauties
Christmas Miracle.

And then for no reason at all
on the Winter Solstice
i'll walk past the windows
and have a thought,
"I'm going to see something wonderful out these windows today."

that's when uncommon, wary birds from my past show up
to peck their way into my present
(Pileated Woodpecker)

so, i take a peek into The Animal Wise Tarot by Ted Andrews
and find out -
new dimensions are opening up for me

haven't i been praying to have my imagination opened up?
Christmas Miracle.

At some point,
i found my La-boratory
looking like this
and knowing Santa is bringing me an actual desk
after a lifetime on the floor
i had to clean up
and figure out how to make room where there was none
i contemplated moving my fireplace into the extra bedroom while i moved

i came across a pile of fabric and scarves
where can I put all this?
i'll stuff them in a bag
a bag full of costumes
that sounds cool
yeah it does

somehow, shortly after
i opened The Bodacious Book of Succulence by SARK
on page 15 and found this,
"We've stopped counting fireflies at dusk, standing naked in the rain, finger painting with our feet and stuffing a bag full of costumes and making our "Poet's Corner" in the backyard, with lanterns and tents made out of chenille bedspreads."
that's when I decided
YES, I WILL move the fireplace and it will be my "Poet's Corner"
where i will write poetry, journal, sketch, and read!
creating plenty of room in my La-boratory for future endeavors
Christmas Miracle.

does that mean the Turkey Vultures aren't still hanging around?
Nope, they're still around
and waiting
and watching
and wondering
but they can fly up at any moment
to snatch those Christmas Miracles away
if we don't pay attention to our attitude

Did I ever tell you that i'm married to a Christmas baby
who at 35 years old
is still complaining about the fact that he was born on Christmas
and how people react to it
and the fact that people call him a Christmas baby
even though he's a 35 year old man
i told him he's acting like a Christmas baby.
:) ha
well, it was a funny to us
He's my all time favorite Christmas Miracle.

I wish you a day full of everything you love best
but mostly,
I hope Santa leaves you lots of Magick under the tree.

~Merry Christmas~

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Baker, dollmaker,......toilet cleaner?

I have not been taught to be any certain thing.

(from back: White-Throated Sparrow and female Bluebird)

Freedom wafts into the open door of my day

(Solitary Vireo - Rockey Mountain Race)

I'd greet it with tea,
if i could remember to.

(Brown Thrasher)

& we'd both be warmed,
from the in~side out.

(Hermit Thrush?)

& Full

(a bunch of kooky cats)

& Fat

(Slate Colored Junco)

& Happy

(I had to save the male Bluebird for happy)

& oh so delight~fully engorged with YES!

While the birds of the dead wait

(do you see them? 3 dark spots)

to carry off
our carri-on.

(Turkey Vulture)

You can hide under a blanket

(Doctor Bob)

or in shelters made by an October snow,

But the fact is that we cannot wait until we're almost dead
to realize the worth and value of right now
if we dare to make something important from our living.

We must use it up!
WASTE IT if we have to!
but MOVE!
& Do Something!

and if you really don't know what to do,
well then LOOK,
in every hole you can find.

(Common Flicker - Yellow Shafted race)

Make serious use of every thing you see today,
even if you have only one eye to see it all with.
Rowan does.

The view will change,
even if you really, really love it.
If you need something to count on,
count on that.

and when you're done with all that,

take a nap,
on the floor by the heater,
on the bed,
doesn't matter,
just sleep.....

if you don't sleep,
you can't dream,
if you can't dream
you won't be able to make s##t.

just don't forget the happy part.


ps: if you need something dreamy to listen to, try "Jaden Maiden" by Andreas Vollenweider

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

39 pictures of me: You must bust the bud to bloom.

i busted her all up
with a lot of help.
did she get messed up.
i said to him last night,
"Man, at this point,
I'm more messed up than you."
we laughed.

don't feel sad though.
cause here comes the second part.....
I am just on the verge of
Only Just Beginning
sounds pretty when you're listening to ...........
it's gotta be the one with the poem though......

This is Thee last year of my 30's.
I want it to end with a big hurrah!
The problem is I don’t yet know what I mean by big hurrah!
When I figure that out,
I’ll do it.
I have a feeling that it’s much of the same
only less junk,
less pain,
less distractions,
more enjoyment,
more laughter,
more God,
more posting.

I will find more keys to my nature
and I will create doors that they will unlock.

Remember when I said I owed myself an apology?
Well, here’s some of what for......

I gave myself away to men because I wanted to be loved and approved of and made okay because they were okay.

I wanted to be made Somebody by Somebody (Depche Mode)
I didn't realize that Somebody was Me.

I burned my hand on purpose with a cigarette I was smoking because I’d finally found out without denial that someone I cared about did not care about me in the same way and I was choosing to do something stupid to get his attention because I needed it.

I was a lot of wonderful things then, including Young and Foolish.
I still wear that scar because of her....
And him.
and all of their un-willingness, etc.

I have physical scars on my body from men causing them.

One of them burned my stomach with a cigarette. Not on purpose, but because he was drunk and DIDN’T CARE ABOUT ME BEYOND WHAT HE COULD GET FROM ME. I allowed this. I was part of this. It was my punishment to me.

I’d like to say,
Thank you O for telling me this,
for showing me this......

I am a Battered Woman.
Finally, at 39 years old I recognize this.
I have been Battered
and sometimes,

At first,
it happened to me.
I began to choose it
because this is what I was told caring was mostly about.

I was punched in the nose by the man I saw my sister get punched in the nose by as a little girl.
Why was I surprised when he did it then?

I’m shaking from it now many years later.

terrified of it
because he was my first love of course
and he punched me in the face
and tried to choke me.
You do not do that to me
I know that much.
but it happened.
I confess.

No wonder I (edited).........did a numberless amount of things that caused me pain.

Sometimes I don’t have to wonder why we do the things we do.
I know.
We all have Stories of Pain.

I have a scar on my body from a man who I semi-wasted 10 years of My Life on.
He threw a half broken glass right at my chest/stomach in front of my daughter.
I took him back.
At the time,
I didn’t see another choice.
Cause it was always, “Well, what are you gonna do now???”
Go back I guess.
Play The Game.

I hated playing the game.

Until a wiser voice asked me,
"Where is this relationship going?"

I said, almost without hesitation,

she kinda smiled i like to think,
and replied,
"Just making sure you knew."

sometimes we need to KNOW we know.
how do we do that?
by being Tested.
sometimes tests suck.
(i pretty much hated school. and thank god if i never have to go again.)

in essence:

I spent many years seeking the approval of men by allowing them to use my body and heart.

I've also spent many years seeking the approval of women by allowing them to use me and my giving nature.

I am thankful that I can say all of that has resulted in
a pretty darn cool life
and a great marriage to someone i can trust
and who actually gives really good advice
for a dude.
He says I need to
unplug from what everyone else says,
and say instead, "I'm kickass." (thank you Jack Black and Orange County)
that sounds like really good advice.....
so maybe i'm not doing so bad after all.

As a child and teenager and young adult,
I was lonely.
painfully so.
i've always wished i had a twin.

Look how close we are.
That's as close as we ever got.
I never knew him,
except for this brief moment in time.
it's good,
he never got time to lie and confuse me into submission.
He'll remain a cute band-guy
I once took a really good picture with.

Now I take really good pictures with Me.
i like it when i make me giggle.

I didn't realize I was beautiful until the age of 18
when a friend of mine showed this picture to a friend of his
who said, "She's gorgeous!"
I said, "Huh? Who? ME?"

It didn't last long....
not the beauty.....
my belief in it.
i was quickly put back into my place by him,
and i don't mean near him....
where i promptly forgot
and remembered again
and circled that around ever since.

do you have pictures of you that remind you of other people?
On my hand are the rings She let me wear.
Below is a picture She took of me
when we shared beers
we probably didn't even like,
in Chester Park.
We were really into taking pictures that summer.
There is no picture of us together.
She cried in my lap.
We jumped in leaves together.
I knew her at almost 20.
She died at almost 30.
Who would she have been at almost 40?
I miss what she represented in my life......

Regarding confessions:
I was not allowed to have my own truth.
I was not allowed.
I am allowed now.
No, one can stop me.
Even if 'they' kill me,
I still have my truth,
and that counts for something.
i hope 'they' don't kill me.

there are things I can claim
is it important that I type them?
Why or why not?
I don’t know

but I think what’s the harm?
Stop staying frozen.
Tell the story that you really want to tell,
the story of You.
it is your birthday post.
If no one else pays attention,
tell it to yourself
for yourself
as yourself
would like to hear it.

I am guilty of not telling?
Am I?
How much proof is enough proof?
I didn’t have enough proof?
I am guilty of that.
I didn’t spend enough time with her
I was involved with myself
and my life
and my etc.
right here
I’d tell him this,
“All that means is that you didn’t do it on purpose.”
I didn’t do it on purpose
but I must confess,
I didn’t ask her if she needed help
and more importantly,
I SHOULD have.

I needed help.
I couldn’t offer her what I didn’t have.
None of us can.

But I have seen the devastation it has caused.
I snuggle Her in.

She doesn’t yet believe that she can build anew.

She can.
She totally can.
We all can.
Ridiculous as it sounds,
Belief is our only stumbling block.

"it became my burden not to cause any problems in the family because of my pain." Joyce Meyer.
she also said it caused "a false sense of responsibility."
makes sense.

how many of us can say,
"That was me. That happened to me."

Something I learned,
When I hit someone else’s brick wall,
I turn around
because I can decide to not bother going over it cause it’s so much less important than me climbing my own walls.
Their walls,
their job.
My walls,
my job.
Climbing my own walls instead of someone else’s is what’s going to lead me to Me
(which leads directly to God).
Being Who You Are is the most direct route to YOUR SUCCESS.
I have heard that from the countless Wise and SuccessFull Women around us....
Oprah, Joyce, Iyanla, Jamie Lee, Drew, Mary J, Shirley Mac!, Jane Fonda, Kelly Osbourne-(adoring you woman!) ........
I believe them.

So I start to fillet myself open
to reveal Me to me.
It is Thee Most Vital Work We Can Do.
I am blessed to be able to,
so I’m going to.
roam around inside of me
reach back
open up
break down
dig into.

I can be glad my mouth never disappeared
even though I’ve wanted it to
because they wanted it to.
and I could sit in some back room and watch cartoons and not be bothered because some unstable person who didn’t like me wished that my mouth would be gone.
I am glad that I never allowed My Me to disappear....
I only allowed Her to Change and to Grow.

"When you trust yourself,
it means you don't tolerate being stood up more than 1 time.
You don't tolerate chronic betrayal.
Betrayal comes in many forms.
It's betrayal of who you know yourself to be
and when you can trust that you love yourself,
care for yourself,
have enough honor and respect for yourself,
that you will not allow other people to harm you..."

I wouldn't let him control me.
that's what it always came down to.
not understanding,
me giving in and giving up
because if i didn't ...
i had to give on some level.
if there was nice things done or said,
they were covered up with criticism
and mind games.
i don't really know which ones
i couldn't figure the puzzle out
no comprehendo?
does not compute?
i have no time for people who play mean games.

You must bust the bud to bloom.

that’s painful.
yeah, baby.
i know.
but it can be done.
and it's so worth it
not to quit and run back where you came from.

Let me tell you a birthday joke:

The husband says, "For my wife's birthday, I drove her 110 miles to get doughnuts, terrified her, almost got her killed, gave her a headache, got pulled over, and took her to a crappy dinner."

The wife says, "Did I do that?"

The husband says, "If you did, I want to know how cause I want to use it."

he didn't really get pulled over.....
he said it was more like pointed over
or shown over.
it's true.
the cop wasn't even in his car.
standing right in the middle of the road.
i said little to nothing.
i did what this picture shows.....i looked up and out the window
and smiled and said,
"Thank you God for getting him pulled over cause he was driving like a jerk since we left Krispy Kreme and acting like it's me."
:) Haha'ing
true story.

I just had three workmen at my house
i didn't care what one of them thought of how i looked
i thought i looked cute
blue pj pants with snowflakes
hair pulled back in a red bandanna
gray sweatshirt
no make-up
my spotted rubber boots.
i'd say the one guy was cute if asked
and i was just out there to see the tree cut down.
it's an event in my life.
is that pathetic?
i am so married
that i can do it.
it's a good place to be.

i want to be 99 and still taking pictures of me
and finding my eternal gorgeous'ness
like Scott saw in me at 16
and I see in me now.

so, I wanna end like this......
watch the movie Crash
and sit through the entire credit song
cause maybe tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
and that's a good movie to get you in the Thanks giving mood,
if you need help.
i'll probably be watching House of 1000 corpses.
just kidding. but it is on the dvr.
living in a 'good' neighborhood is a blessing.
i often forget how blessed i am with the simple thing of SAFETY.
i can safely and warmly go to bed in my bed.
without fear.
not everyone can do that.
Enjoy what you DO have
and I send you my blessings for the rest.
no matter who you are.

it's my birthday gift to me.


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