Misty Mornings at The Edge of The Woods

Sending you the magick of one of my favorite kinds of days.
Days where the mist hangs around all day.
And as I work,
I look out into the woods
and see,
this
and I remember lots of reasons why I love my life.

~oh the magick~
Meliss

PS:    I know it's December, but I gotta send you this song - Season of the Witch:  Donovan - because I'm listening to it (it's part of my Christmas gifts that I'm cheating and getting early) and while reading over my post, exactly where it says, "I look out into the woods" and the song said "When I look out my window."   MAGICK, lots of magick has been happening here.  I pray you find it in your life as well.

Beauty is in the I

Of the bee-holder.
I’m Meliss, barely short for Melissa which means honey-bee.
The name was carefully selected for me,
of which I appreciate.




This film short is dedicated to the car load of people who told me
from their car
into my date’s car
at a red light in Philly
one day,
that I had really cool eyes.
:)
Big Huge Grin!

The person from the back seat said it
and all the other people in the car,
guys and girls,
said out loud
various agreements.
"Yeah, she does."
"Yeah, they are really cool."
Heads nodding.

I wish I would have gotten out of his car and into theirs.
They seemed like more fun than he turned out to be.
Heh.

Who does that?
What kind of a group of people stops at a red light and out loud to the person compliments someone in another car?
A f**king fun group I’ll tell you that!!
I’d love to be with a group of people who complimented people in other cars at red lights.

**Some time passes**

And now I am returning from doing lots of art
and working on this piece of art as an escape from a dramatic-emotional-voyage to no-where that got started somewhere else.
Convenient, eh?

I’ve returned to say,
part of the lesson of this video is about LAYERS.
Layers can be your Best-ee!
I started making this film short several years ago.
And I had a video complete,
but never shared it.
Guess it wasn’t done.
I’ve learned through making other videos and film shorts,
new stuff to do,
Layers I can add,
that several years ago,
I had NO clue how to do.
Layers have brought it from a video of a self-portraiture session I did with Me.
:)
To something much more artistic
and expressive.

Some people would say I am beautiful.
I receive it.

I think my face creates beautiful angles and my eyes shine with the light of my soul.
And I have learned from Tyra Banks to smize and to capture the light on my face.
She taught me to be my own model.
That’s enough to get some good shots, eh?
:)

is it perfect?
No.
Would film peeps see flaws in it?
Yep. 
Do I care?
No.

I wanna say:
if you want pictures that shine with your personal beauty,
experiment until you find them.

They will be tucked into the cracks of the layers of the work that you put into it.

I’ve worked hard to get here.
And I’m gonna celebrate it.

I SHARE WITH PEOPLE WHAT I BELIEVE THEY WILL FIND VALUE IN,
what I have found value in.
If it happens to be about an experience I had with You and You get brought up.....
Hey, my condolences,
but get over it.
Go live your life.
Why don’t you get so busy in your own life,
that you don’t even sweat it.
I wish you’d have such a wonderful life that you would FORGET about me.
Go ahead.
I give you permission.
FORGET ABOUT ME.
I don’t matter.
I’m invisible.
Hey, I’m the mailman’s kid anyways,
so I never was part of the crowd.
Just pretend I died!
I might as well have
becuase I am living in Eden - which is so much like Heaven one could want no more.
Well.....it would be cool if Eden would have a sewing machine I can write with and draw flowers and such with and also a dressmakers form and a typewriter......
:)

Having a wish list is good thing.
It’s not good to ‘have’ everything you want.

Sometimes I think I have enough because I like what I have so much.
I wish the same for everyone.
So we could all be happy in our lives.

Joyce Meyer says we need "backbone, not wishbone."

I just looked at the clock and it was 11:18.
That’s today,
my birthday.

I’m stealing Katy Perry's words:
Different DNA.
They don't understand you.
You're from a whole nother world,
a different dimension.
From Supernatural.
I strong identify with that song.

~some magick from my journey~

One day at the library I told my friend Addison about my experience of being,
"the mailman’s kid."
He suddenly pointed to a book behind my head on the shelf, then got up, saying he’d just read this book and wanted to ask me what I thought about it.
He told me it was all about a bird having a daughter with the mailman and what happened to this half-bird, half-girl chick.
I said, "OMG, you mean She was THE MAILMAN’S KID? Wasn’t that just what I said I was?"
He said, "Yes, you did."
I had to read the book.
It was really weird, a very-very strange tale,
but also really, Really encouraging and inspiring to me and my artistic journey.

Putting this out there has me feeling Fear.
But of what I cannot tell you.

JUDGEMENT!!

??

um, how about this:
When people start saying things that Actually Kill You,
I’ll worry about their judgement then.

Shoot,
I’ve already been called a zero
and a loser....
And probably ugly
and, welp, I’m still alive
and a hell of a lot of Happy.

That’s the other lesson of this video:

Don’t not do something like this because you are afraid of the judgement of others.
That’s just plain ol’ silly.
Live your life doing the things you want to do even if people think it’s completely pointless.

In an article about Peter Beard (master art journaller),
the writer said, "Beard confessed to me, ‘It’s funny that the two things I love most – collecting stones and doing dairies – are equally meaningless.’ Meaningless? These yearly diaries are the inspiration of virtually all young journal makers today."

Sometimes you should still do that something even if you’re the one who thinks it’s completely pointless.

~magick~
Meliss

Magick is my word

so magick is what I’ll say.

A Poetess visited my blog.
:)
Nay, a performance poet!
I Like that with a capital Like.
I admire that about her.
She said things to me that I didn’t understand,
but was also scared by and intrigued by.

Things that referenced performing poetry that you wrote yourself in front of people.
Eeekkk!~
That scares me.
Some people would say I should do it for sure then
(probably even past or future versions of Me).
Maybe one day.
But for now,
I’ll just keep practicing it in my room,
all alone
performing for an imaginary audience
or even just God.

I’ve seen it work with me imagining a big bath tub outside
just because it was a beautiful vision that helped me escape the less than perfect surroundings I was bathing in at the time.

And now,
I have what is like a big bath tub outside.
I’ve been told that - Pretending is one of the fastest ways to get something into your life!
Pretending.
Yeah, I said pretending.
Sounds crazy.
I know.
But sometimes,
pretending is really just practicing,
with really subtle differences.

We should practice things we want to do,
so we know how to do them.
Why we ever think we should just know what to do,
I have no clue.
Must have been our mothers.

The local Poets have been unfriendly towards me.
Ha,
How silly that I should write that.
But,
I giggle,
it’s true
and nod at its poetic nature.

I don’t know if they are stuck up
or if I just think they’re stuck up which is what makes them seem stuck up.
?

I was the outsider.
I usually,
to always,
am.
And nothing has seemed to change that.
I also seem to be with a guy who is the outsider.
Go figure.

But now,
it’s all okay,
for I have learned to draw!
And to fill my life up with an army of beings behind me.
My paper and pencil/pen have become what creates connection in my life.
Sometimes it’s my computer.
:) hi.

Yeah, It’s disappointing when people don’t get you.
But not deadly.
IT AIN’T DEADLY.
We can live through rejection
even in just understanding
and appreciation
and validation
let alone real rejection of the heart!~
Ouch.
But survivable.
All survivable.
Even bullying is survivable.
I’ve seen many survivors.

So, the local poet group didn’t get me
or didn’t want to.
Not a big deal.
I’ll just continue on,
living and loving my dream the way it is now.
Which is part wondering,
always wondering,
getting curious-er
and curious-er....
What will happen then?
And feeling scared
And part Knowing.
And feeling a- sured.
All held together with a big ol’ bow called Art
because it turns out,
I’M FINALLY GOOD AT SOMETHING BESIDES SEX
and attracting men.
And now,
I take my refuge in that
and I close my eyes tight against it
so the next thought of how it’s not true can’t whisper doubt alive in my belly.
I hate it when that happens.

~magick~
Meliss

If you knew

Continuing from a previously undisclosed conversation:

So anyways,
IF you knew what was going on in my life,
IF it was Your life,
perhaps you would have been frozen in multiple layers of development
as I was.
Like a deer in headlights.
Always.
Frozen.
Scared.
And Unsure.
Forever battling that invisible dragon......
Yeah,
dragons have been showing up lately.

In my magickal world,
now I turn my head to the side
looking out the La-Boratory’s side window
and see deer in the woods.

I can’t tell you when the last time I saw deer in the woods was.

But I can tell you I just mentioned deer and they showed up.

I can tell you I talked about looking out the window in time to see an animal die happening to me twice.
And then it happened again!
:(

I can tell you the hubby and I talked about Kathy Griffin’s ex-boyfriend.
And then we saw him on a small blurb on The Big Bang Theory.
Sheldon saw him in a restaurant!

I can also tell you that we talked about Mookie keeping his butt down in the litter box.
And then he peed high.

I can also also tell you that we talked about how the bunny hadn’t pooped on the floor in so long.
And then it did!!

The hubby might say - Is this magick sh*t?

and I would say,
Yeah, it was.

MAN, I gotta be careful with what I say!!
Because it just might happen.

BTW,
same is true for you.

~magick~
Meliss

ps: I just saw my first snow of the season! Technically speaking, so minute it probably didn’t matter. (what a stoopid thing to say when I just told myself to watch what I’m saying, lol) BUT, I saw snow today...... and for me.....snow and magick go hand in hand.......

Love is Love

So,
I was drawing last weekend.
I told you.
What I didn’t tell you about it yet is that when I was going back through them,
I saw something I didn’t have the intention on doing,
but there it was!
Not that I wouldn’t do it,
I just didn’t draw this on purpose.

I noticed I drew two couples that are gay!
:)
and fantastic.
I so adore them and they make me wish I had a gay male friend!
Insert some people laughing right now tv sitcom style.
But, I swear I was just almost mindlessly drawing and half paying to:
my hubby or the cats or to the tv, as we watched the first season of Fantasy Island dvd.

It was kinda Zen,
just allowing the pen to move and not over thinking anything
because Mixed Media provides a confidence that
ANYTHING CAN BE RECOVERED
and made into Art we can find beauty in.
And in my world man’ish-women and woman’ish-men are embraced and allowed.

So, I do remember brief thoughts when I was drawing this figure,
and my intention was to draw a girl.
I vaguely realized,
A different looking girl,
sure,
But female just the same.
Whatever,
I just drew
and allowed whoever wanted to come through to come through.

And later, looking at it,
I say, "That’s a man baby!" (In my best Austin Powers impersonation).
Smiling.

As I looked at the scene
and contemplated the look in his eyes,
I started to realize.
That’s not a girl.
It’s a guy.
A guy that’s in love with the other guy next to him.
That much is evident.
I know that look.

And even though the other looks like he’s being a douche and not paying attention,
that’s not exactly what’s going on.
He’s just wearing a bit more of a mask than the other guy.
For reasons that he understands.
That they both understand
and accept
as part of their relationship.

Do you want fries
or a baked potato
with your steak?

Is it weird that I should know all this about two figures I drew?
It doesn’t feel weird.
It feels normal that I should know that information.

I recently watched the film Bridegroom.
If you love Love,
you should see that film.
You should also see it if you like cute bois.
;)

We can all Love people and still not want to know a DAMN Thing about their sex life.
;)  .
I just know I appreciate their Love they put into our world.
It isn't different unless you think it is.

So,
dedicated to all those,
to whom this speaks.

I say, Do I think they’re gay?
As if someone asked me.
And I respond,
~I think they’re in love.~

But I can tell you,
the picture continues for me,
and I see that they’re holding hands,
where others can’t see it,
just so others feel at peace.

Wait,
let me get this right.

They hide an expression of Love,
in order that others feel okay?

I see respectful.
but I also see sadness that it's considered respectful for partners to not hold hands if they want to because other people would be so bothered by it.

Glad it wouldn't bother me to see them hold hands.
Or carry a propane tank together.
Which is almost the same as holding hands,
only with gas.
ba-dum-ba goes the drum.

Personally,
I love pretty bois in love!
I think they’re wonderful.

Even the moon loves them,
and the moon is NEVER wrong.

~magick~
Meliss

Distorted and Recorded

I like that people demand videos from me.
Ha!
I take it as a total compliment.
They like them so much,
they want more.
Hey,
what can I say?
I’m tickled,
but not in the way that hurts.
I could allow myself to become overwhelmed because believe it or not,
I live a full and busy life with a hubby and a house and a clowder of cats and a body I have to take care of or it’ll rot out from under me apparently.
;)

But today, while working on what I think is going to be my next film short,
I had this experience.....
Years ago, 
I had this thing with
but
her
flies.
Butterflies.
She can’t walk,
but her flies.
Don’t know.
Caught my fancy while I was working and rang a bell for me.

Now, go 88 mph and get to today, air cold cause it’s a chilly November day.
While working,
I’m listening to a song by Natalie Imbruglia
on her white lilies island cd #11
and she is singing slowly
what sounds like

But Her Flies.

I heard her say it,
while filming
and remembered,
while filming,
when I said it.
And to whom I said it.
And then I reflected on how far away from those moments I am
and how much my artistic vision has grown
and how through diligent work,
I can do things now that I couldn't do then.
Wouldn't even have a clue then how to.
:)

I am doing something right now that I had NO CLUE I’d be doing then.
I had little to no idea that I’d be working on a film short I am publishing online as part of my celebration of my 41st Birthday.
No clue of that.
I was probably too busy being sad.
Because I wasn’t here.
Or because I was alone.
But now I am here.
And still alone.
And I now appreciate every thing that past me contributed to us arriving here in this space in time.
Because now is really really kool.

Now, the only thing is do I want to see it all as coincidence?
But
Her
Flies.

Or am I choosing some form of magick?

Oh, easy peasy!!
Magick is so much more fun than coincidence.
Coincidence gets blown off.
Magick blows you away.
I like being spiritually blown away.
But I hate it when my hair goes in my face......

~magick~
Meliss

Ps:  Natalie also just said "You pulled me out of the past and landed me in today, Hurricane."  Interesting idea, eh?  makes me think:  Winds can be rough or they can be light.....the one I sent you is Light....and full of Wonder-Full wishes for you and for me.
　

Of Masks and Money

Let’s talk about masks,
baby.
Let’s talk about Hall-A-ween!
(to the tune of let's talk about sex, only there's no sex)
Which was yesterday,
but people wear masks Every Single Day.      
Oh man.
My hubby is a very good mask wearer.
I know what most of them look like
and I know what most of his real face looks like.
That's as much as we need to create happiness in our relationship.

Mask wearing and Me,
not so much,
unless I'm doing a spooky photo-shoot ;)

If I don’t like you
or I’m annoyed with you,
you probably know,
especially if you read my blog. ;)

But that’s why he works ‘Out There’
and I work ‘In Here.’
I don’t like playing emotional and/or mental games.
What a waste of time I could be using to make art
or just staring out the window watching the world God grew around me.
Doing what appears to be nothing is much better for me than wasting it playing those kinds of games.      

But mask wearing is a HUGE part of Life,
I’ve found,
especially in the areas of :
‘WORK’ (especially work places)
and MAKING MONEY.

The underlying annoyance in my life that is triggering these thoughts/beliefs to resurface:

People disguise themselves as teachers who really want you to do well.
That’s great.
Until they need to do more than just say in a recorded video, "I want ‘you’ (insert nameless student/the video camera or computer they’re actually looking at) to do well!"
And they’re unable to do so.
For whatever reason.

I believe that part of being a teacher,
a good teacher,
is providing positive feedback.
Givin' the teacher-ly love to a student who has and is working hard.
So when you receive crickets,
crickets come off as.......(fill in the blank with what you think it means)
For me, it's something other than positive I can tell you.

I woke up with this thought yesterday and today:

I AM SO GLAD I DON’T HAVE TO GO TO HIGH SCHOOL TODAY!
Oh man - magickal love and blessings to those who do.
What a scary place.
It's been highlighted from my recent love of the movie Crazy/Beautiful.
Art Journalling kissed Movies rock!!

And now tickled with :

I wish I had art journalled my way through my life when I was younger instead of....... But bygones.

Anyways,
You can’t behave that way and not have it affect your success!!
People find out.
More and more these days,
stuff gets out.
It’s not as easy to keep secrets.
People realize that you aren’t behaving the way you say you believe.
And then it gets around.
People talk.
Nasty stuff spreads faster than positive stuff
which is weird because it’s like sludge so how the hell does it move so fast, eh?

Talking.....
at gatherings, especially,
and Especially women.
There’s truth there.
Some men do this,
but most don’t
because they’re........ugh, I can’t get into what they are besides cool enough to bear when they’re my hubby. 
You gotta "bear down" though.
"I don’t know that’s what they always say, ‘Bear down.’" (Look who’s talking’)

Anyways, it’s kinda sad, though,
because I DO want her to succeed!!
even though it’s obvious she does not want the same for me.
:( that part makes me sad again,
but more for her than for me because her lack of response to me is affecting her negatively (or is it effecting her - whatever, you know what I mean),
Period.
By chain reactions of choices and behaviors,
we are e/affected in 'this world' and spiritually.
Cause and Effect is REAL.

If she does want me to succeed though,
she is TERRIBLE at showing it.
So Terrible that I simply don’t believe it.
Nor do others.

But honestly, part of why I keep going back:
I feel sorry for her because she just can’t see her own behavior.
And I’m trying my best to support her in the way that I CAN,
that I’m Willing to
and where those things meet with what She’ll receive in positivity,
because some stuff I could give her WON’T HELP HER.
Believe me,
There are many things I would have liked to have said to her in a moment and then wanted to un-ring that fucking bell.
So many things I’d like to say to her - I clench my teeth!!!!
But seriously, there are enough people out there who want her to FAIL!
(with a real quiet whisper, and die. even if they don’t know it)
But me, I don’t want to see her in the streets.
My best part of me wants her Happy!
I DO, I DO, I DO.
I do believe in spooks.
Even if she doesn’t want me to succeed.
I want her to.
She doesn’t need to or have to want me to succeed.
I ALREADY HAVE! :)

Don’t matter that I can’t seem to receive her approval.
I don’t need her approval.
I know I’m kick ass.
Big, cheesy grin.
I don’t approve of HER BEHAVIOR,
but I DO APPROVE OF HER.
I approve of Her.
As hard as it is sometimes,
as hard as she makes it,
I Approve of Her Sweet Child-like Soul.

But as far as a teacher goes,
a teacher teaches
and that part is true.
I was taught,
by her
and I’ve learned,
and taken what I learned and broke all kinds of rules she told me along the way
because she’d probably be in line saying - Just make art. Don’t worry about the rules.
And I’ve made art.
My Art from My Heart.
From my life......
Who do you think haunts Fern Hill Cottage?

But as far as the part where she wants you or me to do well......
No.
NO.
THAT’s the mask part, people.
In order to make money you gotta sell something people want.
And when you’re selling that you're a teacher,
you have to pretend that you have good intentions when you don’t.
Because if you’re not wearing the mask to cover up your damage,
who is going to hire you if you’re looking to damage people like you are damaged?

When your mother ignores you,
you ignore your children.
Students are children.

Thank you God not all teachers are like this!!

But these are PEOPLE we’re talking about,
IMPERFECT,
and some are mentally and emotionally damaged.
They don’t know it.
They don’t correct it.
And as a result,
they behave from and act out of and choose from their wounds.

Some of them are SUPER dangerous.
And some are like a black cat on a day after Halloween day with un-trimmed claws!
Easily tended to with a band-aid and the nail trimmer.
;)

Honestly, she isn’t doing well herself.
I can see that easily.
It seems she only can momentarily wear the mask
of okay’ness before it pops off and her true face shows.
It’s not a crime.
It’s probably pretty normal.
Life is hard.
I can admit,
in a way,
that’s true about me as well.
But I’m not putting myself out there as a teacher who wants you to do well and having you pay me for it, am I.......
No, I’m sharing from my heart,
as best I can,
while almost constantly battling self-doubt
amongst other demons like dirty dishes.
Grrrrrr.

Is the money the only difference???
I don’t know.
I’d have to spend WAY more time thinking about this
and I’m half way down the freaking rabbit hole as it is.

Let’s just say,
we’re all probably bouncing back and forth between wellness and unwellness,
somewhere,
somehow.

But mask wearing is different than that I know.

I have noticed,
There is a WHOLE LOT of mask wearing while attempting to make other people’s money your money.
That’s what the hubby calls it (SEE, I give him credit for things he says to me, I don’t just post them on my page like I said it)
He’s trying to make his company’s money, our money.
They’re trying to make their customers’ money, their money.
The customers are trying to make their cash sources’ cash, their cash and that might be YOU.

I’ve seen them before they started making 6 figures
and I’ve seen them while they’re making it.
Turning their blogs into these money making machines that seem more like they belong to a car salesman than an artist.
If you pay this amount, you’ll get this and that and this and that.
It’s like an info-mercial within what is deemed a blog.
Is it really a blog anymore????
Or is that just your blog’s Halloween costume?
OH, you’re an INFO-MERCIAL!!! .....good one.

Thing is, all that stuff is very, sometimes VERY subtle PRESSURE applied to your psyche.
You can believe that or not,
but there are subtle ‘things’ used in sales that they have done studies on and most people unconsciously respond to it.
THERE IS A SCIENCE TO SALES.
And these people are using it against other people.
It seems sneaky and unfair to me,
for me to use something that I know could trick you into doing something that you don’t necessarily want to do......
Or maybe don’t have the money to do.
Makes me feel uncomfortable.
I’m thinking - what’s your finances like? Are you in money troubles? ‘Cause you really probably don’t need what I’m selling, etc......
That’s what I’m thinking.
But I’m not a Sales-Person or a Business Person.
I’m a fucking artist man with no sales or business person alive in here.
There’s an echo and a whole lot of cobwebs on that person’s office,
as they were laid off years ago due to lack of things for sale around here.

Again,
making money the way I’m talking about isn’t necessarily a crime.
We could get into an ethics discussion,
but that’s a TOTAL Rabbit Hole with no bottom because everyone has their opinion and will probably never come to one agreement overall.

Thing that bothers me is I see how easily we can get sucked into these ploys.
Next thing we know,
we have no money because someone made our money theirs!

Everyone has to survive I suppose though,
so a big,
Hey, whatever floats your boat.
Sell sell sell,
that’s the way of the world, eh?
Whatever.
I don’t judge it as Wrong.
I judge it as WRONG for me.

I just know money complicates it too much for me.
My art and Life is complicated enough.
Numbers make my eyes do funny things like Homer Simpson.

But there is this....

It’s Friday and I just got paid:

"you brought me to tears. I thank you from within my heart as I just feel that you share a piece from within yours every time you journal for us to see.

~Smilz" from Ronda Garner

WOW-ZA.
What a compliment!!
I am heard.
I am approved of.
I am blessed.
It’s like chocolate. 
Mmmm, sweeter than any trick or treater.

~magick~
Meliss

Ps: Final thoughts: The point isn’t just to leave it at what we experience other people’s behavior and choices as, the point is to find out HOW WE ARE LIKE THEM and to heal what is injured so we can take off our mask and live a life that is authentic to OUR-SELF and NOT Authentic to the unconscious being we become when we act out of our pain.......A ZOMBIE. Remind me to tell you about Zombies sometime!!

Where the transmission of THIS particular subject ends because I need to go to the library and/or make art:

My job is to use these examples in the world and to USE them, to Learn from them, to compare to my own choices and behavior. In all of this, I just know I know ONE FUCKING THING:

****If I don’t like someone else’s behavior, the first thing I should do is to make sure I’m not doing it to someone else!!!! I’ve got some rooting around in my life to do.****

Featured Film Short: Her Un-Armed Beauty

May I present to you,
Her Un-Armed Beauty,
a Tribute to a girl I once knew.



Dena was this really bitchin’,
free spirited, totally cool, hippie chick, girlfriend I had senior year of high school.

Although our friendship did not last past our early 20's,
the memories we made together have lasted.

She died in September of 2004
and today is her birthday.
(at least it was when I wrote this before many time and technical difficulties)
She was born exactly one month before me in 1972.

I took these pictures of her.
One from one side
and one from the other.
She literally turned and we set up,
I moved, she fluffed her hair, and I took the pic!
What a difference.

I see a little girl, sweet, but unsure in one
and I clearly see a woman in the other.
I Always loved these pictures of her.
Now, I’m at a point in my life when I have the ability to create something really unique and special that reflects something of Her and of the times we shared.

She deserves to have art made about Her.

She always seemed to be trying to get her life together.
One time, she moved to CA from The East Coast.
It ended with her returning home,
on the plane,
crying.
She said she cried on the plane next to some guy.
She felt bad for him.
I felt bad for her.
I wished I’d been able to be there for her.

But once I was.
And I’ll always hold a special place in my heart for the time she cried in my lap.
Does that sound sick or mean?
I don’t mean it to be.
I feel more like Sally Fields in Steel Magnolias saying, “It was a most precious moment of my life.” (Or does she say the most precious?)

But now I’m the one crying
and saying,
THERE IS VALUE HERE IN THIS LOVELY EXPERIENCE PEPPERED WITH PAIN.
If you can find the value in the pain.
You Are Totally GOLDEN.

Your job is to find that in your own sadnesses,
in your own losses.

Don’t stop at SAD.

Dig deeper and go for the sob

So, Dena, thank you for helping me to experience part of The Great Tragedy in Life.
If I didn’t know The Great Tragedy in Life, I could not know Life.
And knowing Life,
fully and completely,
IS the purpose of Life,
I think.

What I speak of is only a single gift of her Great Life.
Just one single gift
of
an
endless
supply
of
gifts
of
Her.

She helped me be more free.
Because she had a freedom about her.
We rode on that rope swing together.
We jumped in leaves together.
We took pictures together.
We rolled down that hill together.

She was an adventure for me.
No other girlfriend I’ve had since did those sorts of things
nor encouraged me to.

Dena, you were a trip.
You made me french toast.
You shared your school lunches with me that you probably paid for out of your own money from working at Acme.
I thank you for all that and for everything else I am leaving out.

Free Spirited people are great!
Until they leave.

I missed her when she was still alive
because she just kept going away.

a pile of pictures hides inside.
I still don't have a picture of us together.

I don’t know why or how she died.
By something I heard combined with something inside me,
I believe there was tragedy there.
?
I just don’t know.
But I know I saw her body
and the body was cold
and had no Dena spark left in it.

She was dead in the sense that people mean
if they mean gone from here.
Because dead does not equal end.
She was much too precious to end,
the shimmer of her remains.
Why else would I be talking about her right now?
Part of Her Shimmer lives on in me, through me,
because I remember her.
And I remember taking these pictures with her.
And I remember her sobbing into my lap
and me rubbing her back
and just trying to be there for her while her heart shattered
into a hundred
million
pieces because a guy she thought loved her, didn't,
he loved her ex-best friend.
Having someone sob with utter sadness from the soles of their feet into your lap leaves a wound on you.
That's why I tear up whenever I think about it.

I remember partying with her
and dancing with her
and cleaning her room with her
and brushing our teeth together
and picking leaves out of our hair together for hours after jumping in those leaves
and talking about how we STILL hadn’t started on our typing class project yet
and how much we hated our typing teacher, Mrs. Saroka (that woman was so mean to Dena - teachers shouldn’t be allowed to be mean to their students!)
and joining in on her plans to get our lives together
and working out with her
and laying out getting a tan with her (when I used to bother trying to get my freckley skin to tan)
and how she told me on the phone that the night before she came home from work and ate cottage cheese for several minutes without looking in the container first and when she finally did,
she saw that it was very green......ew
and talking about guys (lots of this)
and laughing,
and I remember laughing with her.

If we were not friends until the moment she died,
can I still morn her loss?
Am I allowed?
Or will there be judgement with this?
Whatever.

The last time I saw her,
I didn’t speak to her.
I was very sick
and wasn’t interested in rekindling our friendship.
She didn’t make any moves to.
My mother and her spoke,
I acknowledged her,
but I just didn’t want to be friends with someone again whom I knew had already bailed on our friendship twice before.

For me, she’d already died.
I’d already lost her in my life,
TWICE.
I’d already felt the heartbreak of it.

But all that is gone,
in the past,
and now she is the light that flickers through the trees through my window and onto my leg.

And whenever I hear “Love Song” by Tesla
or “When October Goes” by Barry Manilow,
the she that lives inside my heart,
lights up and shines anew.
   

I dedicate this all to you, Dena,
wherever you are....
Wait, I know where you are!!!
You’re Late!  What a surprise there.
Please don’t shake your chocolate milk again,
you already opened it and last time you sprayed us all.
:)~

~Love and Magick~
Meliss

ps:  here's the magick spell