Wednesday, November 23, 2011

39 pictures of me: You must bust the bud to bloom.

i busted her all up
with a lot of help.
did she get messed up.
i said to him last night,
"Man, at this point,
I'm more messed up than you."
we laughed.

don't feel sad though.
cause here comes the second part.....
I am just on the verge of
Only Just Beginning
sounds pretty when you're listening to ...........
it's gotta be the one with the poem though......

This is Thee last year of my 30's.
I want it to end with a big hurrah!
The problem is I don’t yet know what I mean by big hurrah!
When I figure that out,
I’ll do it.
I have a feeling that it’s much of the same
only less junk,
less pain,
less distractions,
more enjoyment,
more laughter,
more God,
more posting.

I will find more keys to my nature
and I will create doors that they will unlock.

Remember when I said I owed myself an apology?
Well, here’s some of what for......

I gave myself away to men because I wanted to be loved and approved of and made okay because they were okay.

I wanted to be made Somebody by Somebody (Depche Mode)
I didn't realize that Somebody was Me.

I burned my hand on purpose with a cigarette I was smoking because I’d finally found out without denial that someone I cared about did not care about me in the same way and I was choosing to do something stupid to get his attention because I needed it.

I was a lot of wonderful things then, including Young and Foolish.
I still wear that scar because of her....
And him.
and all of their un-willingness, etc.

I have physical scars on my body from men causing them.

One of them burned my stomach with a cigarette. Not on purpose, but because he was drunk and DIDN’T CARE ABOUT ME BEYOND WHAT HE COULD GET FROM ME. I allowed this. I was part of this. It was my punishment to me.

I’d like to say,
Thank you O for telling me this,
for showing me this......

I am a Battered Woman.
Finally, at 39 years old I recognize this.
I have been Battered
and sometimes,

At first,
it happened to me.
I began to choose it
because this is what I was told caring was mostly about.

I was punched in the nose by the man I saw my sister get punched in the nose by as a little girl.
Why was I surprised when he did it then?

I’m shaking from it now many years later.

terrified of it
because he was my first love of course
and he punched me in the face
and tried to choke me.
You do not do that to me
I know that much.
but it happened.
I confess.

No wonder I (edited).........did a numberless amount of things that caused me pain.

Sometimes I don’t have to wonder why we do the things we do.
I know.
We all have Stories of Pain.

I have a scar on my body from a man who I semi-wasted 10 years of My Life on.
He threw a half broken glass right at my chest/stomach in front of my daughter.
I took him back.
At the time,
I didn’t see another choice.
Cause it was always, “Well, what are you gonna do now???”
Go back I guess.
Play The Game.

I hated playing the game.

Until a wiser voice asked me,
"Where is this relationship going?"

I said, almost without hesitation,

she kinda smiled i like to think,
and replied,
"Just making sure you knew."

sometimes we need to KNOW we know.
how do we do that?
by being Tested.
sometimes tests suck.
(i pretty much hated school. and thank god if i never have to go again.)

in essence:

I spent many years seeking the approval of men by allowing them to use my body and heart.

I've also spent many years seeking the approval of women by allowing them to use me and my giving nature.

I am thankful that I can say all of that has resulted in
a pretty darn cool life
and a great marriage to someone i can trust
and who actually gives really good advice
for a dude.
He says I need to
unplug from what everyone else says,
and say instead, "I'm kickass." (thank you Jack Black and Orange County)
that sounds like really good advice.....
so maybe i'm not doing so bad after all.

As a child and teenager and young adult,
I was lonely.
painfully so.
i've always wished i had a twin.

Look how close we are.
That's as close as we ever got.
I never knew him,
except for this brief moment in time.
it's good,
he never got time to lie and confuse me into submission.
He'll remain a cute band-guy
I once took a really good picture with.

Now I take really good pictures with Me.
i like it when i make me giggle.

I didn't realize I was beautiful until the age of 18
when a friend of mine showed this picture to a friend of his
who said, "She's gorgeous!"
I said, "Huh? Who? ME?"

It didn't last long....
not the beauty.....
my belief in it.
i was quickly put back into my place by him,
and i don't mean near him....
where i promptly forgot
and remembered again
and circled that around ever since.

do you have pictures of you that remind you of other people?
On my hand are the rings She let me wear.
Below is a picture She took of me
when we shared beers
we probably didn't even like,
in Chester Park.
We were really into taking pictures that summer.
There is no picture of us together.
She cried in my lap.
We jumped in leaves together.
I knew her at almost 20.
She died at almost 30.
Who would she have been at almost 40?
I miss what she represented in my life......

Regarding confessions:
I was not allowed to have my own truth.
I was not allowed.
I am allowed now.
No, one can stop me.
Even if 'they' kill me,
I still have my truth,
and that counts for something.
i hope 'they' don't kill me.

there are things I can claim
is it important that I type them?
Why or why not?
I don’t know

but I think what’s the harm?
Stop staying frozen.
Tell the story that you really want to tell,
the story of You.
it is your birthday post.
If no one else pays attention,
tell it to yourself
for yourself
as yourself
would like to hear it.

I am guilty of not telling?
Am I?
How much proof is enough proof?
I didn’t have enough proof?
I am guilty of that.
I didn’t spend enough time with her
I was involved with myself
and my life
and my etc.
right here
I’d tell him this,
“All that means is that you didn’t do it on purpose.”
I didn’t do it on purpose
but I must confess,
I didn’t ask her if she needed help
and more importantly,
I SHOULD have.

I needed help.
I couldn’t offer her what I didn’t have.
None of us can.

But I have seen the devastation it has caused.
I snuggle Her in.

She doesn’t yet believe that she can build anew.

She can.
She totally can.
We all can.
Ridiculous as it sounds,
Belief is our only stumbling block.

"it became my burden not to cause any problems in the family because of my pain." Joyce Meyer.
she also said it caused "a false sense of responsibility."
makes sense.

how many of us can say,
"That was me. That happened to me."

Something I learned,
When I hit someone else’s brick wall,
I turn around
because I can decide to not bother going over it cause it’s so much less important than me climbing my own walls.
Their walls,
their job.
My walls,
my job.
Climbing my own walls instead of someone else’s is what’s going to lead me to Me
(which leads directly to God).
Being Who You Are is the most direct route to YOUR SUCCESS.
I have heard that from the countless Wise and SuccessFull Women around us....
Oprah, Joyce, Iyanla, Jamie Lee, Drew, Mary J, Shirley Mac!, Jane Fonda, Kelly Osbourne-(adoring you woman!) ........
I believe them.

So I start to fillet myself open
to reveal Me to me.
It is Thee Most Vital Work We Can Do.
I am blessed to be able to,
so I’m going to.
roam around inside of me
reach back
open up
break down
dig into.

I can be glad my mouth never disappeared
even though I’ve wanted it to
because they wanted it to.
and I could sit in some back room and watch cartoons and not be bothered because some unstable person who didn’t like me wished that my mouth would be gone.
I am glad that I never allowed My Me to disappear....
I only allowed Her to Change and to Grow.

"When you trust yourself,
it means you don't tolerate being stood up more than 1 time.
You don't tolerate chronic betrayal.
Betrayal comes in many forms.
It's betrayal of who you know yourself to be
and when you can trust that you love yourself,
care for yourself,
have enough honor and respect for yourself,
that you will not allow other people to harm you..."

I wouldn't let him control me.
that's what it always came down to.
not understanding,
me giving in and giving up
because if i didn't ...
i had to give on some level.
if there was nice things done or said,
they were covered up with criticism
and mind games.
i don't really know which ones
i couldn't figure the puzzle out
no comprehendo?
does not compute?
i have no time for people who play mean games.

You must bust the bud to bloom.

that’s painful.
yeah, baby.
i know.
but it can be done.
and it's so worth it
not to quit and run back where you came from.

Let me tell you a birthday joke:

The husband says, "For my wife's birthday, I drove her 110 miles to get doughnuts, terrified her, almost got her killed, gave her a headache, got pulled over, and took her to a crappy dinner."

The wife says, "Did I do that?"

The husband says, "If you did, I want to know how cause I want to use it."

he didn't really get pulled over.....
he said it was more like pointed over
or shown over.
it's true.
the cop wasn't even in his car.
standing right in the middle of the road.
i said little to nothing.
i did what this picture shows.....i looked up and out the window
and smiled and said,
"Thank you God for getting him pulled over cause he was driving like a jerk since we left Krispy Kreme and acting like it's me."
:) Haha'ing
true story.

I just had three workmen at my house
i didn't care what one of them thought of how i looked
i thought i looked cute
blue pj pants with snowflakes
hair pulled back in a red bandanna
gray sweatshirt
no make-up
my spotted rubber boots.
i'd say the one guy was cute if asked
and i was just out there to see the tree cut down.
it's an event in my life.
is that pathetic?
i am so married
that i can do it.
it's a good place to be.

i want to be 99 and still taking pictures of me
and finding my eternal gorgeous'ness
like Scott saw in me at 16
and I see in me now.

so, I wanna end like this......
watch the movie Crash
and sit through the entire credit song
cause maybe tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
and that's a good movie to get you in the Thanks giving mood,
if you need help.
i'll probably be watching House of 1000 corpses.
just kidding. but it is on the dvr.
living in a 'good' neighborhood is a blessing.
i often forget how blessed i am with the simple thing of SAFETY.
i can safely and warmly go to bed in my bed.
without fear.
not everyone can do that.
Enjoy what you DO have
and I send you my blessings for the rest.
no matter who you are.

it's my birthday gift to me.


Friday, November 11, 2011

How 'bout a little fire Scarecrow?

Here is a magick spell left over from Halloween,
eventually everyone succumbs to its power.
I've found that we are All Casters of Spells.
whether we mean to or not.

I realized,
I had nobody to turn to
I wish I had known I could’ve turned to God.
I wish somebody had told me that
couldn’t changed a lot of things.....
I hesitate saying that because I don’t want to alter my right now at all.
At 4:30 vacation starts.
And we’re celebrating eating salad for dinner for 4 nights in a row with a pizza.
We have vacation immunity.
Yeeeessssss! (HIMYM style)

Like everything else,
Having a Questioning Spirit has it’s blessings
and it’s curses.

It is vital for a Questioning Spirit to understand and study Acceptance.

Sometimes I hear noises in my house
and I’m afraid of it being a person
or a ghost.
Adult me knows it’s the cats.
But sometimes Adult me checks under the door first.

We are so often still babies
still afraid of the dark.
even if the lights are on.
I could never live in an old house
even though if you asked me 5 or so years ago,
“Would you buy an old house?”
I would have said, “YES!”
But older and wiser and more ‘Me’, me knows,
when it’s 3:00 am
and I have to go to the bathroom,
I don’t want to have to worry at all
about seeing something.
I’ve watched way too many scary movies in my life
but it hasn’t stopped me yet.
I just ask God to go with me now.
The cats help too.

My most recent best advice to me:
Find out Who You Are, so you know what You want.
Have you ever tried to get a Christmas present for someone you don't know??????
(God, that is a hell that no one should face! I Hate IT!)

Working out still
spending time with God
forgetting that there’s a difference.
Wanting to tell you things like:
#8 by Heather Nova - South
letting you do the rest of the work.
(#13 too)

Sometimes I don’t have to wonder why we do the things we do.
I know.
We all have Stories of Pain.

My life isn’t ruined.
But it has ruined parts
I don’t trust myself so much
that I find it hard to even write a blog
at times
because i've been so harshly criticized
or ignored.
so half of what i do is criticize
and you guessed it,
ignore myself.
doesn't take a genius to figure that out.

What am I writing that for?
Am I finally allowed to have my own truth?
probably not.
My own version of what I experienced...
how can that be anything other than what I think it is?
How can MY Version of anything come from someone else?

Like many women,
I have a past that involves relationships
and the search for meaning through other people....
especially men who are good looking and popular in some way,
if he’s in a band - well, that’s the dream baby.
Or is it?
I am so glad I am no longer that stupid and shallow and pathetic.
Poor past me.
She did Her best
and I respect and love Her for that.
but damn was she dumb.
and hurt.
and lonely.
I think she’d be pleased to know we turn out Happy though.
Is your past you happy with who they’ve become?

It’s vital to a Healthy Spirit to love ourselves into becoming Ourselves.

It's okay though,
I can still find the smiley face,
even in distorted views of my world.
If you can't, i recommend practice....
lots and lots of practice.....
cause that's how I can.

Even thorns have veins.

From this to that.

That's magick to me.
I understand the intricate
details that go into it.
I deeply respect 'Science'.
for me,
'Science' only proves further that there is a ~God~.
so, 'Science' is proof?, i say to myself
Good, got something figured out then!

This paper is proof that 70 years ago
one person sat reviewing another person's work.
we can see some of what was said.
but what I like about it is this:
it starts out with the words,
"I would have....blah, blah blah."
so all it is is someone's opinion.
what a relief.

btw, aren't we All time travelers?

Oh man,
I finally got it!
OF Course it freaked him out!!!!
Scarecrows are Always afraid of Witches with fire,
but mostly,
it's about the fire.


PS: the wizard of oz is in my dna i think.
ps2: i forgot to call that in the other post, "I'm Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz." and also, "I'm Jessie from Sooner or Later."
ps3: just because i called something doesn't mean you can't call it too.

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